Friday, October 30, 2009

Things that go thump in the night

After yesterday morning, I must admit, I was a tad jumpy last nite. I even came home and looked all around my car to see what could have been tapping on my car. NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Can't figure it out.

So when I get woke up last night with strange noises in my house, I just about freaked! I was laying so still, trying to figure out what it was. THEN the dogs started barking. I think someone is in the house.


HARLIE!! Get out of the toilet!

Hope you kackled today.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Ghosts are a tappin'

I was really, really, hopin' I would get through this month with no ghosts a-walkin' at my house. Haven't seen one since last month, when the shadow walked through my kitchen and made me realize that my back door was still open at 9 pm. (Normally I close it when it gets dark but this night I was playing on the computer and forgot.) Which in town would not be a really big deal, since there are no alleys and most yards have a 6' privacy fence. BUT alas in my po dunk little bitty town, we have 4' chain link fences and alleys. AND guys that walk the alleys here. It was a reminder to close the door.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hand me my cane, please. .

Today I ate at a chinese buf-fet. Pretty good. I'm waay stuffed and I thought I did good. ONLY 1 plate and it was NOT piled 6" tall!! I love buf-fets! Then it came time for the fortune cookies! These are soo fun!  Mine was (of course, it HAD to be mine, the ONLY single person at the dang ole table): "Someone is looking for you. Keep your eyes open." They all chuckled over that.

I asked if someone could hand me my cane and would they lead me to my car. .

Then I almost hit a guy when I was leaving the parking lot (must have not had my eyes open from being led to the car yet). The gal riding with me told me it could have been my "sole mate" or is that "soul mate"? Can you, imagine what he would have said if I HAD hit him and I jumped out of the car, ran over to him asking: " Are you the someone that has been looking for me?" Answer: "No. Crazy Lady, I was trying to LOOK OUT for you! Not looking FOR you! My lawyer will contacting you!"

Just doesn't seem right, ya know? Think I'll keep my eyes closed anyway. .

Hope you kackled today. .

Sunday, October 25, 2009

P.I.T.A.s and no, I am NOT talking bread again.

As you youngun's are trippin' through  life, (going to school (unless like me, you wait until you are ANCIENT to do so), getting married (unless like me, you do that BEFORE you go to school), hopefully, you only do it ONCE (unless like me, you try to perfect it over and over), then you have children, maybe one or two (unless like me, you do this numerous times), raise them (with Mom and Dad in same home) (unless like me, you end up not being able to stand your kids dad, then you boot dad to the curb)), I want you to appreciate all the good things in life. Namely P.I.T.A.s. AKA your CHILDREN.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Peter Bread

Peter Bread. Have you EVER heard of PETER BREAD? Just read on.

If you had been in the local chain grocery store about 7-8 years ago, you would have. I was looking for PITA bread. I had forgotten to get it when on the Bread aisle. So I asked one of my sons, who at that time were probably 15 and 25, who are also onery, uncouth heatherns, to go get me a package of PITA bread.  WRONG move. NEVER, EVER, send ONE, let alone TWO, guys, to get PITA bread, especially when they did NOT understand you correctly in the first place and have already conjured up images of what they THOUGHT you said. They look at me like I had lost my mind. They are grinning already. (Ya know the kind: that sly, let's have some  fun with this grin?Yeah. I shudda picked up on this right away. But no. I did not.) Though, by the time they walked off , they knew EXACTLY what I wanted them to get.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


It has come to my attention that I need to reminisce over what matters to me. So would you go on a trip with me? May be boring. But ya just  never know. My kids say I take the scenic route when ever I leave the house. So come on and let's go for a ride. Broom is awaitin'.

My kids matter to me. Who else would abuse me to no end? When I die, the instructions are: Cremate me! Do not cry! Have a get together and tell StuPid Mom stories! And when you are done then go scatter my ashes somewhere! There are many stories!!

Here's one. We now have two Main Streets in town. I did this! All on my own! No help from anyone. I had picked up my oldest from work  one day and he had asked me to run by a store so he could get  something. I say SURE! No problem! I need to go down Main Street to get to this store. I then proceed to go the usual way to his house. I realize when I was almost at his house that I was not on the  right  street! I was looking for this little store and nothing looked right! I looked over at him and said: 'We're not on Main Street!' His response: 'Yes, we're on the OTHER Main Street and no, this Other Main Street doesn't have the same stores as the  ORIGINAL Main Street. But since we are on The Other Main Street, could we stop and pick up some chicken?' I can not remember all he was smart mouthing about but he had me laughing so hard that I was talking in a squeaky voice, with tears running down my face , can't get my breath! I think I was laughing so hard I snorted a couple of times. Which of course set us both off all over again. Then kid taking the order had to lean down and look at my son, in the passenger seat, to figure out what I was trying to say. My son of course had control of his face. The kid and my son exchanged THE look. Ya know the one I'm talking about. The look all kids have when their parent is acting a fool. Just to let you know this fool was having a blast!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Grands!! THE Best in Life!

The weekend started out rather crappy with the drive home at noon on Friday but it has gotten better, I got to see THE GRANDS! Which ALWAYS makes life better!!!

For those of you who do not have grands yet. Let me tell you it is well worth the wait! For one thing, you enjoy them more than you did your kids because you know now that matters and what does not. What is life threatening and what is a learning experience. AND THAT ALL THE MISERY YOUR KIDS DEALT YOU IS GOING TO COME BACK TO HAUNT THEM TENFOLD!! IT IS A JOYOUS OCCASION, TO SAY THE LEAST!! You may not laugh out loud at that moment, but I'm tellin' ya, right now, YOU WILL LAUGH!You may hold it in until you get in the car to go home or you may have to go to the bathroom and stuff a towel in your mouth, but you WILL laugh. Promise. It is the BEST laughter too! So for those of you who are yet to be, know your time is coming. One day. You know the old saying: Good things come to those who wait, IT IS TRUE. Ask any grandparent.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Blue Bitc-BAT mobile

On Fridays, I get off at noon. COOLsome!! I truly LOVE that part of my job!! Friday afternoons to do as I please and then two more days before I have to be up at 5 am!! WOOHOOO! Total COOLness!!!

Today, I am running down the road at 68 in a 65. I also know that I'm coming up on a section of road that is going to take us down to one lane at 60 so I start slowing down. Not wanting to use the brakes on a highway, I just try to come off the gas. I see I'm coming up on a little SUV. One of the smaller ones. (I drive a '06 Chevy Impala. Let me tell ya that sucker will HAUL too. Love it. Remember this.)

Fat boy with boobs

I've been threatening to shave my head. I don't like my hair. I really haven't liked my hair since I cut it last year. I cut 14 inches off. (Actually, I must not have liked my hair then either, or I wouldn't have cut it, right?) Well, I gave that measley bit of hair to the hair for cancer thing. So it was a good cause. It probably took up a huge amount of space on the wig, about a whole 3" x 3" square on it. Or maybe they used it to fill in the bald spots on the wig. (I have baby fine hair, which means it won't do diddly, so it would HAVE to be mixed in with some OTHER hair that actually works.)

(FLASHBACK) When I was a kid, I used to pray for curly hair. Prayed hard too. I think some of those were Bended Knee prayers.  But every morning, I got up and looked in the mirror. Nope, no answer yet. Just straight mousey brown hair. PhOOeY! I finally just gave up the prayer.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


On April Fool's day of this year, I was walking to my car at 6 a.m. Do you know how light it is at 6 a.m on the first day of April? NOT. ZIP. NADA. No Moon. I do have a street light at the end of my driveway to light my path though, which, as it will  turn out, will be a good thing.

I am walking across the small grassy knoll of  my tiny front yard. (In German, knoll means clod or lump, mind you. I looked it up. So keep this in mind.) I have a coffee cup in one hand, a bag of tie downs in the other and a backpack on a shoulder. I do not remember which hand had what or what shoulder the backpack was on.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Brain waves

Do you have those days where the thoughts that run through your head are in the freakin' MILLIONS?? Ya know, you feel like you are ADD? No! not add, but A.D.D. Geez. Forget the cotton pickin wall of TVs! That is nothing compared to the skizoid brain waves hittin'!  Cain't sit still,  knees a jumpin', feet a tappin'. jikkin' I call it. AGAIN, NO! I DON'T DO  DRUGS. So stop askin' me that.

Nope, that's not what today was like.  Just wondering if you ever had this kinds of days or am I one of a kind?

Hope you kackled today.

Red Jeep of Life

When I was in high school, I had a friend that drove a red jeep. I loved to ride in that jeep. Wind in my face, whether going fast or slow. Sitting in the seat or hanging by one hand out the side (much to the dismay of my friend). She was forever telling me to get my butt back in the seat. Her dad loved me. Have no clue why because, as they used to say: I was a rounder. Thumb on the nose, laugh in your face, kinda gal.

I was pretty much tempting fate with whatever I did.

In fact, that is pretty much my life story. I like to feel the wind (of course, I want to have what ever I am on  touching the ground). Flying, hang gliding, parachuting, none of those are quite what I have in mind when I want to feel the wind on my face. Nor is the swaying tower at Six Flags (makes me want to lose breakfast, lunch and everything I ate YESTERDAY!). I want to be CLOSE to the ground when I feel the wind. (Along with not liking water, I also do not like heights (in case I did not already make this perfectly clear).)

I used to think I was big enough and bad enough to take on anything and anyone. I was not scared of much. (Well, except horses that do not understand what WHOA! or pulling backwards on the reins is suppose to mean.) So I barrelled through life tempting fate more than the average person. You know the saying 10 feet tall and bulletproof? Tough as nails? That was my attitude. I swung from the rafters of life whenever I could. Sometimes it made my shoulders ache but I just figured I needed to do it a little more often to strengthen those muscles. So on I continued.

Now, to some extent, this is a good attitude to have when you are a single mom of 4. Two boys, two girls (with one girl a tomboy,a tomboy that hung in there with the guys.) Geez, those kids drove me nuts!! War zone for 15 years! We all have battle scars from those years.

Back in '99, there was a wake up call. Ya know, one of those "Holy Cow! I'm Lucky To Be Alive!" calls? The one that you think "I'm gonna die today" calls. One that I pretty much ignored. Though it did change my life. Only I went downhill, instead of uphill. This continued on for a couple of years. THEN the calls returned. Full force. I had had a few calls along the line with each one getting louder, louder and LOUDER. But this last time, it was not to be ignored. It was one of those, HELLO! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? kind of calls. (Can you tell I watch commercials and listen to music?) This was one of those "If you ignore me this time, there is no telling if you will survive the next time" kinda calls. (I have a hard head, kinda stubborn, obstinate. I know for those of you who have known me for years, this is kinda hard to believe. But it is true. Really. (The Good Lord has known this for a LOOOOONG time.))

For the most part, I recognized this last call. Nowdays, I pretty much don't risk my life and those around me anymore. But some days I just want to ride that Red Jeep of Life. Be carefree, feel the wind in my face, hanging by one hand AND NOT HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME TO GET MY BUTT BACK IN THE SEAT!

I know, I have many, many Angels taking care of me daily. They are in for a hard time trying to earn their wings. Even when I try to be good, because it just doesn't happen for very long at any given time. It's just not in the jeans.

Hope you kackled today.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Smarty Pants

I was a bit in awe the other night when I showed of up for a meeting of "The Smart People" (Phi Theta Kappa meeting) at school. I looked around wondering what in the world I was doing here. I'm just an everyday Jo-ette, ya know. I try to make good grades and learn everything that I can. But me, smart? Who wudda thunk it? I try to keep that hidden. Cuz smart people are EXPECTED to DO things. I like being on the low end of the Radar of Life. Ya know the back of the room kinda person that giggles and makes smart remarks? Yep, that's me. Stayed in trouble in high school many, many, many moons ago too. Imagine me remembering that, I din't think my brain could reverse that far back. .

As I look around, I realize that I am THE ANCIENT ONE. . I'm almost old enough to be some of these kids grandmother!! I feel old then. I mean if my oldest had had a kid when he was 18, then my grandchild would be 15 or if he had become a father sooner then I could have a 17 or 18 yr old for a grandchild. . I've got one foot in the grave. . My bones are melting. . You don't even need to throw water on me for this. .

Oh yeah, back to the Phi Theta Kappa thing.

Have I ever mentioned that I absolutely HATE to dress up? I'm a boots, jeans, Tshirt kinda gal. Give me gloves and let's put up a fence, feed the cows, oh yeah, that's me. I always wanted to have some land with horses, cows, dogs and cats. Middle of no where. Oh yeah. . hmmmmmm..

Dang! There I go again getting off the subject! SOOOO I have to dress up and I have been told that I CANNOT wear black jeans and a black shirt and be called dressed up. I have ONE dress in my closet and I am NOT wearing it to this shindig.

My thing about dressing up is the heels. I always feel like I'm gonna put my foot down the wrong way and then arms go flying, legs all up in the air and WHAM! I land on my very padded tush! The walls will shake and the floor will rumble and the lights will flicker. Some will think a storm has hit. Then the lights will come back on and all they will see is me on my butt on the floor.

Can they just slide me across the floor? As I slide on by, I'll even smile and do the Miss America wave. Think I could get them to just do that instead of me trying to walk in heels, fall and embarrass us all?

I promise not to yell "WOOHOO!!! What a ride!!" if they will do this. Really, I'll be good, well, sorta, maybe. .

Hope you kackled today.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cubbies, boxes with lids and TVs

Some days I just have a hard time communicating with the opposite sex. My sons included. Though they are  easier than the others. .  (Remember I've been hitched 2.75 times. . ) I've heard it said that male brains and female brains just do not run the same circuit. Hmmmmm. . Reminds me of one of the days I was  chattin' with THE BOSSMAN and we got on the subject of men thinkin' vs. women thinkin'. The way we got on this subject was I had been in there yappin', yappin', yappin' and kept switchin' subjects pretty rapidly. (Ya know kinda like I do here only worse, because my mouth runs faster than my fingers. .)

Finally, he told me to slow down and tell me WHAT I was talkin' about. (Sigh, hmph. ) I started to repeat it (all over again), and after subject ONE, he said STOP. I replied, WHAAT? (I have a super wonderful boss who laughs at me daily, sometimes hourly. .then other times not so much. .)  He said 'I have to get that box out'. I said, 'WHAT box?' (Here I'm trying not to look around the office, ya know trying to figure out what in the world he is talking about! What box? There aren't any boxes around here! Has this man lost his mind? You know all this thoughts are runnin' 1000 mph in my head.)
He grins and says, "Us guys have a box for everything in it's own slot, like a cubby hole, in our head. Football has a box, baseball has a box, wives have a box with LOTS of little boxes inside, work has a box with little boxes in it too. Get the picture? So I have to pull my box out that concerns what you are talking about in it and open the lid and look inside. THEN when we finish talking, I have to put the lid back on and replace it in the wall." Sooo I'm guessing that men's minds are one GIGANTIC CUBBY!! Like MASSIVE. . ENORMOUS. . (No wonder he looks  at me most days that I have landed from a different planet! I have done gone off and left him in the Cubby Room! I'm walkin', walkin', walkin', did anyone see that little green gecko? )(There I go again, Different TV. .)

GEEZ! I'm thinkin' that this takes TONS of time. . No wonder they can't keep up with us women!!

Us women, on the other hand, have a GIGANTIC, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS WALL OF TV'S!!! And at  any given time we have to KNOW what is on EVERY FREAKIN' ONE OF THEM!!

Take MOTHERHOOD for example, a Mother of one child does not as many TV's as a mother of 5. A mother of 5 has a different set of TV's for EACH child, then one set for Hubby, then a set for each friend, depending on how close the friendship is determines how many tv's for a friend. Then you have the JOB THAT PAYS MONEY set of Tv's.(Cuz all us women KNOW that Motherhood is a JOB in and of itself. We are paid with Love instead of the greenback). Depending on how many 'hats' you wear at work as to how many tv's you have.
Get the drift here? And at any given point in time, you will have to pass the quiz of what is happening on ONE particular Tv. Wwhether you be at work or at home, the QUIZ jumps all boundaries!

So my brain is forever 'flittin' across this wall of tv's. Which is why I change subjects very often and come back to a previous conversation like we have never left it in the first place, because, you see, all I have done is put it on PAUSE. And as soon as the QUIZ is over, back I race to our conversation. Simple, right? All you ladies out there know exactly what I'm talking about, huh? (And NO we are not ADHD, we just have LOTS of tvs on!)

So it finally clicked, on the TV in my Upper Right Corner At The Very Top, ya know the one that is the fartherest from the front line in MY mind, The MAN TV. (Especially since I have put all men in the OBSCURE and OBSOLETE section of my life. They are a PIA, too much trouble, and I just plain don't want to deal with them right now. Maybe later. (Ya know I try to not say NEVER anymore because invariably what ever I swear off of will appear in my life the next day.) So for now. . no hassles, no men. (Don't ya just love the thoughts inside the thoughts?? ))

Now back to the men and their boxes. This is the way I see it, MEN have to STOP, FIND THE BOX, PULL IT OUT OF THE CUBBY HOLE, PUT IT IN HIS LAP, LOOK ONCE AGAIN TO MAKE SURE HE HAS THE RIGHT BOX, SET IT DOWN AGAIN, THEN  TAKE THE LID OFF, F-I-N-A-L-L-Y LOOK INSIDE. OOOOO but he hasn't EVEN got the subject OUT of the box yet!! He can't just LOOK in the box, he has to TAKE IT OUT to LOOK at it!! AND the more he REALLY doesn't want to deal with whatever is in the box, the SLOWER HE IS AT GETTING THE BOX READY. . Think about a man changing a baby diaper. . or fixing something YOU want fixed. BUT have the football game, boxing, wrestling or some such thing come on tv and see how fast that box appears. (I see it's clicking with you ladies now.)

So guys, don't get so p-worded off when we talk to you like you are morons when you are taking your own sweet  time getting into your box. . You have brought it on yourselves because you see, I KNOW, you KNOW  that we are light years ahead of you in the thinkin' area. .We have already looked, retreived data and made decisions on 900 MILLION tvs while you DEAL with that ONE box. That is why we can feed a baby, have supper cookin', know what the two other kids are doing in the living room, talk on the phone, make a grocery list, set the table and have laundry goin' all at once. We MULTI TASK 36 HOURS A DAY, 9 DAYS A WEEK, 370 DAYS A YEAR. .


Hope you kackled today.

P.S. Guys don't get your boxers all in a wad, I really love ya, well ,some of you anyway, very few of you in fact but anyway, I'm just picking on you today. It is all in fuuuuun!! Hugs and Kisses. .sorta

Friday, October 9, 2009

Holdin' my breath. . .

I missed yesterday. I thought I was going to have to take my online art test today instead of tomorrow. So I was  crammin' my head with art! I had a shootin' class to go to, but alas, it RAINED. I'm tellin' ya, I'm gonna have to buy a boat. The fields are sittin' in water. Does anyone have a cheap boat that comes with lessons included in the sale price? HAA! Then I could be as dangerous in a boat on the road as I am in my vehicles!! Wonder  if  I could find one to match my car? Merlot Red.....Oh yeah, boats come in all the cool colors! I just need lessons. Do you know anyone that gives lessons on driving boats cheap to someone that is TOTALLY scared  of water? I mean like holding my breath the whole time I'm going over the water. The first time I went over a bridge I laid in the floor and didn't breathe until we were on land. Not just on the land  part  of the bridge. BUT LAND. LAND MASS. As in dirt, with black top over it. Thank the Good Lord I was not driving, huh? Can you imagine my kids when the 5 of us took a vacation to the Texas coast and I had to go over that BIG bridge in, uh, I think it was Corpus? All my kids, all but one,  knew how to drive at that time and they were all vying for the chance to drive so that we would get ACROSS the bridge!! This was worse than the " Don't touch me!" "Moooooom, he's LOOKIN' at me" stage. YAP. . YAP. . YAP. . YAP YAP. GEEEZZZZ.  SHUUUUT UUUP!!! I can do this! Really. Well, maybe. I was just praying that we did not get in a traffice jam at the TOP of the bridge!! I'd'a passed smooth out!! I can't hold my breath that long. I don't swim either. Boy, that was a hard jump there, wasn't it? DUH.

Now we all have an agreement that when I die, I will be cremated, and all kids will  go to the coast, any coast, have a party, tell stupid Mom stories (there are many) and toss those ashes in the ocean. I will no longer  be scared of the water. What a fittin' send off, huh? I love it.

Hope you kackled today.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Mother Ship

Yesterday was one of those days that I laughed off and on for no reason. You know the kind that your butt falls off you are laughin' so hard? Did I have to have a reason? As you will see, the answer is NO! IT DOES NOT EVEN HAVE TO BE HILAROUS!! Just has to be SAID!!!

In my morning class, the Teach asked if anyone knew who Doris Day was? (He listens to music as he composes his lectures and put the music on the  notes as a reference.) So yesterday it was Doris Day, Greatest Hits. Do you know how many Freshmen in college know who Doris Day is? Only the ones that are in the classification of The Age of Older than Dirt. Obviously, I qualifiy. As does the woman sitting next to me. We both raised our hands at the same time. I mean, like, 1, 2, 3, GO! RAISE YOUR HAND. UP they shoot. Teach laughs. The three of us are laughing. Him at the front of the room, laughing so hard that he couldn't speak. He has his head bowed. Us 'girls' are in the back of the room, one of us is holding our head the other has her head laid on the desk. Teach gets composed, looks up to begin again. Looks around the room. Sees us out of the corner of his eye, it all begins again. Now you tell me what was so funny about this? I HAVE NO CLUE!! IT WAS A MORONIC MOMENT!  I think part of this is: EVERY TIME he asks if anyone knows someone (such as Louis Armstrong or Doris Day) or some little something from his childhood era and wants a show of hands, GUESS WHO RAISES THEIR HANDS??? EVERY TIME??? Yep, you got it! Les and me! AND I'm older than both of them! So I guess really I'm ANCIENT. Would that put me in the catagory of The Age of Ancient instead of The Age of Older than Dirt? How old is Dirt? Or is Dirt older than Ancient? Would that put me back there with Dinosaurs? I feel my bones begin to melt into dust. .


The stupid laughter continued into the night.

So last night on my way home from class, I was talking to  my son, Billy Joe Bob.  (Names are changed to protect the guilty.) As I turn off the highway onto the little county road that goes to my town, I notice how black it is.  I mean, DARK. No moon. You know like The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits kind of dark? It's cloudy.  Not very many cars, no lights on the side of the road. I always think of The Outer Limits show when I come across this kind of dark. The one where Aliens zapped a small town and took it with them. Left a crater in the earth and the town folks could not drive more than a few miles outside of town. OH MY GOSH! THAT TOWN WAS THE SIZE OF MY TOWN!!!

Looking down the road, I see a horizontal line that is kinda dark yellow, not to far above the road. I start telling BJB that I didn't realize that I had to drive that far up a hill to get home. I mean this is like really high from where I am. WOW! I thought it was a downhill drive home! NOT UP HILL!! AND DEFINITELY not THAT uphill. I continue on this vein for a few miles (the road is only 7 miles long). I felt like I was heading up into the mountains!

We have a little complex outside the city limits that has bright yellow lights so I'm thinking that is what the yellow strip on the horizon is. Ya know just over the hill type thing.

Now mind you, I have driven this road for over a year now. I should know by now whether I drive UP hill or DOWN hill home. Well, you would think I would anyway.

I PROMISE I was NOT drinking and driving last night! This was NOT an alcohol induced vision! AND NO, I DO NOT DO DRUGS!

This road is very wavy, you know know the kind I mean? Up, down, up, down, up, down. Most of the time there is not enough room to pass a car between the ups and downs. OH! OH! OH! YOU call it HILLY! I like the WAVY road better! Anyways, BJB is telling me that he will not even know where to tell the emergency people to look for me since I will be driving into the yellow clouds, that the Mother Ship is waiting to take me away. (THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY, HAHA! THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY, HAHA!) OK, I know, it was stupid but it set me off again. I had tears running down my face. I can't breathe. I CAN'T SEE THE ROAD!

I almost pull over because I cannot see the road!! Finally, I can look down the road again and realize that the yellow line IS NOT THE HORIZON LINE!  As I get closer, I see that it is actually a hole in the lower clouds that the lights are  reflecting through to an upper line of clouds. So the lower row of clouds looks like a land mass.

I know, I am a ding bat, a dork or nerd. Take your pick. My children tell me it is true. Tonight, I belive them.

The Mother Ship is just waiting. I can feel it. One day, she will come.

Hope you kackled today.

P.S. I guess I didn't laugh hard enough because my butt was still there when I got home.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Dance

Harlie is my youngest son's dog. I have named her Harlie Girl. She has been visiting me and my four legged kids off and on for about a month. But it is offiical Harlie Girl is here to stay. Her and JD have moved in for a while.

Harlie Girl arrives much to the dismay of all the other dogs. You can just hear the two ORIGINALS (Scrappers and Lady Bug) thinking: GEEZ, DON’T WE HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY?? WHY DO WE NEED ANYMORE!!! COME ON MOM! PLEEEEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO US AGAIN!!! Then the two newer ones, Pop up Dog and Tiny Tot (Baxter and Crystal) are not happy either.

Tiny Tot thinks after all this time she is THE BIG dog. (She has already attacked the man fixing my fence. He is probably 6 foot 3 inches. She, on the other hand, is the size of HALF of his FOOT and she is taking him OUT! She takes hold of the bottom of his jeans leg and is tugging with all her SUPERIOR strength, as he drags her halfway across the yard before he realizes that he has an attachment.) She has become VERY confident now.

Now Tiny Tot compared to Harlie Girl: Tiny Tot is about 2.25 of Harlie Girl's paws. Tiny Tot and I can be sitting in the recliner, up jumps Harlie Girl. Harlie Girl turns around and around and around until she plants her butt on Tiny Tot, who gets squwushed down the crack of the recliner. "Harlie Girl, get your butt off Crystal!" (90 pounds vs 4 pounds. Actually Harlie Girl probably weighs about 25-30 pounds but geezz when you are trying to move her, she might as well weigh 90! Because when you add STUBBORN to 30 pounds, it becomes 90.) WEEELL, here I am in my recliner, trying to move Harlie Girl around so I can pull Tiny Tot out of the side of the chair before she suffocates. As you can imagine, Tiny Tot does not think highly of this big kid. Tiny Tot thinks Harlie Girl  is annoying. REALLY annoying, especially when Harlie Girl wants to actually PLAY with Tiny Tot. Remember TT does NOT play. She is WAAAAAY above playing. That is sooooo beneath her. She's cocky and snobby. HARLIE GIRL in all her puppyness, wants to play. Who better to play with than the "Snobby One"? Maybe a better word is HARRASS. HARLIE GIRL barks, pounces, front feet and legs on floor, butt in air, tail wagging, Tiny Tot sitting there growlin', growlin', growlin', (She has a growl that sounds like THE Alien getting ready to take out Sigourney Weaver, pretty wicked, it is) and looking totally disgusted. By this time, HARLIE GIRL's butt is going 90 to nuthin'!!!!! "OOOHHHH YEAH! she's lookin’ me! COME AND GET ME!! Yeah!! alright!!! let's go girl!! come on!! come on!! come get me!!! I dare ya!! Come on!! Oh Yeah!! Oh Yeah!!!" nuther bark, nuther pounce, this time closer, closer, closer, growl gets little louder and louder and LOUDER, of course this just eggs HARLIE GIRL on, closer still. THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS!! TT in all her glory comes after HARLIE GIRL, just a growlin’, snappin', chasin' and jumpin'!! TT is so p-worded off that her whole body is stiff , her legs are stiff , her neck is stiff , the front of her body is bouncin' off the ground and she is slidin' across the floor in all her glorious anger at Harlie Girl!!! Harlie Girl retreats, as any good puppy would, grinnin' of course, and TT turns and struts back to her pillow, butt swaying, tail straight up in the air, nose up, and as she is struttin' back, so does Harlie Girl, three paw links behind, just a laughin' all the way. So begins another session and on it goes until I can no longer hold it in!! My laughter breaks up the dance! 
This goes on all the time. Harlie Girl following TT around, TT gettin' ticked and turning around and snappin', yappin' and chasin' with Harlie Girl retreatin' until TT struts away, and then the dance once again begins.

Oh, I hear a new session beginnin' in the bedroom.

Hope you kackled today.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Tiny Tot

Tiny Tot (Crystal) was also at the same place with Pop Up Dog. It took 2 people to catch her to give her to me. She was terrified of people. Really. Not just scared, but terrified. I took these 2 kids to my car and my friend held Baxter, which as that time had no name, and I held Crystal. We almost puked. They smelled horrible and were yellow in color. They are WHITE dogs, mind you (Of course, she doesn't look to WHITE here but this is much better than long stringy YELLOW hair!). Once we got them home, we put them in the back yard to go potty before I bathed them. WRONG move. Yes, they needed to go potty but a leash attached would have worked much better. But as you have noticed in these little blogs, I do  not always think ahead of the moment. Anyway, I put them down and  they ran. And ran. And ran. I would come within 6 feet of TT and off she would go again. I'm not running at her, just walking around the yard talking to her. Softly. "Come here, Pretty Girl." Nope, not having any part of me. Nope, nope, nope, AND NOPE!! Ain't happenin'!

About an hour later a couple of friends came by to see the new additions, which turned out to be a great thing for me because it took all three of us to corner this tiny dog so I could pick her up and bath her. I have a 6500 square foot backyard, and this little munchkin of a dog ran every square foot of it, no once, not twice but  three times. I can just imagine what the people driving by thought. (I live on one of the main roads of my town with a chain link fence around the back yard). Here are 3 grown women moving in circles in the yard, all of a sudden for no reason, change direction and go another way. Of course they can not see the tiny ball of fluff in the yard. She is about the size of my shoe.This went on for about 30 minutes. Also, I was new to the neighborhood, so no one knew me. Can't you just imagine what is going through their heads? What are those weirdos doing back there? Geez, there goes the neighborhood! They must have considered calling the local funny farm people to come take me and my friends away, haha. (Okay, I know, I'm nuts but the song just automatically goes through my head everytime I hear or say something close to 'They're coming to take me away. haha") (HAHAHA!!! NOW it's going through YOUR head!!! I LOVE IT!!!!! =0)) Oh, where was I? Oh, yeah.  Back to Tiny Tot. Once I got them bathed, I left her and PUD alone. I didn't try to pick them up, just mainly talked to them as I walked by or put food out. One day she decides maybe I wasn't so bad. I'm sitting in my recliner, she comes up and puts her front feet on the foot rest and just looks at me."Well hey there  little girl! How are you?" I move, she runs. But it was the beginning. Now at night, I lay down, she wants up and then she proceeds to walk on my chest to give me sugars good night and I get sugars the same way in the morning when we  wake up. Life is good.

Hope you kackled today.

Little History on dogs

Crystal (Tiny Tot) and Baxter (Pop Up Dog, the one to the left here) have only been with me for a little over a year. But TT THINKS she rules the roost. Her and Lady Bug (Queen Bee) have had many run ins and Queen Bee is an EXTREMELY mellow dog. She sits on her pillow (throne), any pillow she can find (she is not picky about her throne), and surveys her kingdom. QB rarely interacts with other dogs. Well, except for Pop Up Dog. Pop Up Dog is in constant motion. He was 9 months old when he came to live here. He was severly abused so it took many many many moons to get him to come to me on his own. Now I have a shadow. Well, until Scrappy gets in trouble, usually for eating out of the trash (this little guy was a street puppy when he was found). Then Pop Up Dog goes into hiding. He does not like stern voices.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Rain and dogs

More rain today. Not that I am complaining. Really, well, not much. We need the rain. In Texas, we ALWAYS need rain. Lately all across the South rain is needed. But DANG, it sure makes mowing the yard hard! About the time I think it is dry enough to mow, another little shower comes along. By tonight the grass will be tall enough that I will not be able to find my knees, much less the dogs! When Crystal goes out to potty, she trys to jump OVER the grass! So I have a white leaping furball going across the yard. . Scrappers (The innocent in the pic) on the other hand, does not like the wet. He thinks he will melt, or something, haven't figured out quite what yet. He steps in water outside and shakes his foot before he puts it down again. This goes on for all four paws, EVERY STEP HE TAKES!! So going anywhere with him in the rain just takes FOREVER! He hasn't figured it out that the faster he does his business, the faster we get back on dry land. (Let me insert this, I have a pet door going to the backyard, so the backyard is accessable at all times.) A couple of weeks ago we had a pretty good downpour. It had been 2 HOURS since The Turd woke up. 2 HOURS and he had not pottied! So we ended up in the backyard (yes, WE, as in Scrappy and me) with him on a FRIGGIN' LEASH because he did not want to get wet. (I'm talking DOWNPOUR, not just a rain, DOWNPOUR!! A gully washer.) With me telling him, pee you turd, because we are not going in until you do!! PEE ON THE TREE! ON THE CHAIR!! A BLADE OF GRASS!!! JUST PEE AND DO IT NOW!! He looks at me like I have just beat him. NOPE, nosiree, the sad face ain't workin'  today, you little butt! (Of course, I'm gettin'  p-worded off the longer I stand in the rain) PEE you little turd muffin or we will drown before you get to go back  in, I am literally sinking in the mud just standing there, it is so wet. FINALLY (after about 5 minutes of this) he pees! We race back in, well as much as you can race when the mud is trying to consume you for breakfast, with me leaving one of my croc-like flip flops stuck in the mud, I'll dig it out later or maybe not, the grass may grow over it before I get back out there to find it. I have a grass jungle for a back yard. It's going  to take a sling blade to cut the grass before the rain  stops I'm thinkin'. Anyone got one I can borrow??

Hope you kackled today.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Dogs in the middle of the night

OH  MY GOSH!!!! WHAT A FRUSTRATING EVENING! I have been TRYING to help a friend find her stupid landlord. Her Apartment Manager is, IN MY OPINION, a TAD nuts, and my friend wants to contact the owners. I have found out they live in LA County, Malibu, in an apartment. What owner of several apartment complexes lives in a apartment???? Do you know how frustrating it is to find ANYONE in LA county???????? GEEZ!! No wonder illegal immigrants go there. You can get lost in a dang ole heartbeat! So let me tell you where I’m headed the next time I want to get lost in a crowd! I AM HEADING TO LA COUNTY!!! Maybe just Cali in general . Only not during the dry season or the windy season hmmmmmmmmmm, is there any other time of year for LA County? Ok, so maybe I won’t go there. I need to find a new place.
Oh, dang, where was I? That was NOT the story of the day there. DANG!!!DANG!!DANG!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Witchy Workouts

ell hey folks! I’m rather new to this stuff. Oh that is a BIG FAT lie! THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT A BLOG! If you will just bear with me, maybe we can have some fun here. I’ve been thinking of this for a while as I run the road to work in the dark of the morning. I live about 30 minutes from my job. (Why you ask? (I KNOW you are asking!) weeell because I have this tiny, tiny house payment. ) So as I run the road, I talk to myself. I listen to the radio. Some days I pray. Some other days I rant all the way to work. Some days it is funny, others, ah, not so much. So I’m going with the flow. . .

A little about me, mother of many, grandmother of few, part time college student, full time office clown, over 50, been married 2 3/4 times, sucker for dogs. What else? I guess that is good enough for now.

BTW my oldest son is the one that has worked up the header and is setting this up.
He wanted to know what I wanted: Purple? Duh, it's my fave. then it was a name. I said can we do something with a witch and a broom, since I get asked if I ride my broom often, though not as often as when I was younger. I thought maybe a little witchy hat over the title, but no! He found something even better! I LOVE my little half witch! If only I was that skinny!! Then my dreams would be fulfilled!! I think my actual thigh is about the size of my half witch’s whole butt (well, if she was real)! So yeah, I have a little bit of a weight issue.
Which, hey, that could be my today’s topic!

My work has offered, to the office folks, a membership to a gym. I’m all gung ho! Well at least today and yesterday. Let see how tomorrow holds up. I’ve already been a Curves member, which I liked just fine but moved away. (Little po dunk towns don’t have Curves) So today we leave work to go work out for an hour or so.

Yesterday it was trying all the ‘girl’ machines, which went very well. So today I thought I would try the treadmill first, since by the time we did the ‘girl’ machines yesterday, the treadmills were full. So here I go. Do you know how to turn ON one of those things????? WHAT? Ask for help? Geez. (I think I have a little too much testosterone) FINALLY I got the dang thing started. Enter weight, age and it figures out how long you need to walk. 30 minutes. Alrighty! Here I go. Okay, not bad, I’m trucking along, let’s speed up. Okay, I’m cool. I'm good. I can do this. Oh yeah, I'm good. When I look around I see everyone else walking without holding on, so I let go of the handles. HELLO! WHERE IS MY BALANCE??? I’M WALKING SIDEWAYS! SIDEWAYS MIND YOU! I’m trying to still look good, so I nonchalantly reach for the sides. Then hold on for dear life! (Oh by the way, did I tell you there are TV’s too. I have no head phones so I can’t hear what is being said but that’s ok. I can hear me breathe, so I know I’m still alive.) So I’m strolling along, and let go again. Cool, I got the hang of it, well, no not really, there I go again, walking to the left corner of the treadmill thingy, who cares if I look cool, GRAB THE BARS!!! I’m beginning to think I’m gonna fall on my butt in front of EVERYONE! Finally after 29 minutes of this, I can turn loose of the bars and walk without walking sideways. I have one more minute, or so I think, FOR PETE’S SAKE, THERE IS COOL DOWN THAT IS FIVE MORE MINUTES!! But it has slowed down from 3.5 mph to 2.8!! WOOHOO! Have you ever tried to walk another ¼ of a mile on rubber legs going 2.8 mph? Forget the walking sideways, just try to stay upright!! Ok. Cool the dang thing has finally stopped! YEA!! Now I can get down and walk over, grab paper towels, cleaner and clean up my sweat from the machine, which looks like someone has already taken a hose and sprayed it down already. So I get off and about fall face first into the wall. Yep, you got it, the rubber legs, really were rubber legs!! Glad there was a wall and a trash can. . . though I must admit I thought for minute I was going to kiss the paper towel holder. I got the towels, and walked back up there and cleaned it and did NOT fall the next time.

I then think I can go ride the dang bicycles. I get on one, set the time for half of everything. Which is probably another 3o minutes. What made me think I could peddle a bike when I can’t walk? I last 1.5 minutes. Stumble off the machine, the little girl next to me asks if I am finished. OH YEAH!! I'm done, I'm gone. I'm outta there before I hit the floor! Now if only I can change clothes and get out of here and drive 30 minutes to home.

Whew! I made it. In case, you didn't know, rubber legs work pretty good when there isn’t 200 pounds weighing down on them.

Hope you Kackled today.